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June 28 2008

busy weekend!

Having one day off in one week makes me know how important the weekend is for some people. The only day I can breath and take the energy to go on is Saturday. I work 8.5 hours a day for six days. When one says to me "have a nice weekend" I say "you too". Practically we are not in the same category, because for summer students weekend means "having one day off to be ready for tough Sunday" while for the staff means "giving the opportunity to the summer students to learn more". It's just a subtle way of saying "taking rest longer than before". To be honest that's not fair enough but it's nice in a way that they communicate the values of being "on call" during weekends. Sunday is not excited anymore for me. I'm gonna be on call on Sundays. Sunday is the day of the Lord and I still keep working........it's just difficult for me personally. That's life, sometimes that I'm not always the one making decision and to be "normal" means to follow the rules. Fortunately "following" is not identical with "agreeing". I can still disagree with my supervisor but I'll keep working with her for a greater goal next to come.
I've been doing my CPE for a month. I've learned a lot of things. I have learned a lot to express my own feelings. It was funny actually when we were in group discussion and my supervisor asked us to express our feelings. Not only did we get confused of the question being asked, we also couldn't figure out how to find those feelings. The vocabularies just disappeared from our minds. We had tried to find those feelings, some were able the rest went to different directions. After putting some efforts, we were able to share some of the feelings. Until now, I've been trying to collect some of those feelings: sad, anxious, frustrated, depressed, uncomfortable etc. I guess I've been trained in the culture where feelings sometimes are not considered as intellectual assessment. I used to say "Oh....that's just your feeling" as if feeling comes out because of our failure to make logic assessment towards occurrences around us. Very often feeling also is considered as diminishing our capacity to use our mind. I have to correct that understanding. Dealing with feeling makes us really human and being able to know the feeling in one's self means to know what is really going on in our reaction. Feeling is the first reaction comes out towards what is going on around us.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'll be on call and MY FEELING IS DISAPPOINTED. Ha...ha..ha...I'm really funny today. Thank God!

God's miraculous deeds!

And....miracle did happen. I did not have to expect it. God's miraculous deeds come in a smooth way. It's just yesterday actually when I was discussing about enjoying the days to come. I guess I could say it now though not in a confident way. Some of the folks even say it plainly that they are discerning whether this ministry is really their call. For me, dealing with sick people has been difficult. If people die because of old ages then I can still use my own logic for death is normal. But if they die as victims, I just ask my self why it happened. And the whys never get answer easily. Two weeks ago, I was shadowing one of the chaplains in the Emergency Room. It's just a minute I started following and investigating her in doing things, I got a tough case. The report came that two people were hit by car and then shot by gun. They were working in the contraction areas when two men with truck hit them and shot them. The first one died instantly while the other one was in critical situation. I was with the died one. I asked myself how could those people shot this innocent man. Why? He had two kids and had been working hard for survival. While we were helping the family, I was overwhelmed by own feelings: anxious, puzzled and sad.

That was two weeks ago when I was the observer. Now I'm the one in charge with things in front of me. I would say that it's tough dealing suffering but at the same time I've got strength. I cannot hide myself as if that's not my business. Courage helps me to move beyond my own feelings and find new things. It's kind of exploration in unpredictable circumstances. I become aware that when I avoid suffering, I wouldn't be able to know how it looks like. There's something missing there. I remember one of my friends was scarred when she had found the patient in her died. She looked at me asking me to pray for her. Life never lasts forever! Many people try to keep the loved one alive as maximal as possible but at the same time the loved one has right as well to die naturally. It's been interesting to see the ethical side of that reality.

I perceive God as personal God that always be with me in any kind of situations. Be with God there is comfort, peace and consolation!

busy summer!

I’ve been busy with my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). Everyday I have to drive 45 minutes (or 90 round trip) to the place I’m doing my CPE. It is located at the south side of Chicago called Christ Medical Center Hospital. It is considered as one of the best hospitals in the 95^st neighborhood. CPE is a kind of training for ministry in hospital setting. For me there is only one reason why I’m in this program which is to complete my Master of Divinity. It’s been tough to start thing from zero and sometimes I need that, just to tell how difficult it is to be a stranger. I’m the only non-American in the group and unfortunately I am the senior one. Just imagine how demanding it is to deal with the guys who hang out every weekend with friends and talk about movies, lovely food and drinks every time on Monday. Dealing with stuff as such would be a catastrophe for me. Not only do I have no idea about the weekend movies or the best fashion shows but also I just want to start new thing that connects to my mind. Time goes wildly and just throws me away from my own track. Well, then I’m talking about the survival of the fittest. Hopefully I’m part of those who survive. I believe that I have my own way when it seems no other chance anymore. Now I’d like to declare in a loud voice “I can’t control everything” then let everything go on. Some might think that none starts with zero but I guess I start even from minus. A-two-week-orientation has shown me that tendency. It was so overwhelming and intense to find things so messy and I didn’t even realize being drawn by bad feelings. Anxiety and fear have complemented each other, creating an empty space for more desolation, at the same time a smooth whisper keeps ringing "don't give up". Thanks be to God, I’m not losing my faith. I do believe in miracle. It does matter to me that miracle happens in a very subtle way. I will be astonished and admire God’s miraculous deed. YOUR WILL BE DONE!